Today was a bit harder than yesterday. I started to really think about the reality of losing my Mom. I will never have her there when I have another baby. I will never have her there when I am sick and need her to help me with Ace. She won't be around to listen when I am upset. She won't be there to offer me advice on things like motherhood or marriage or friendships. I won't ever be able to call her again. It seems unfair. This whole thing feels unreal. I already miss her. I miss the way she loved Ace and the little bond he shared with her. She was the only person he would hug all the time, the first person he easily smiled at and the person he looked for when we went over to my parents house. This whole thing is killing me.

Hey, Girl, Hey!

Thankfully I have incredible family and friends. Today Bran and I hung out before he went to work and then two of my friends and sister came by. It really helped to have them over. One of my friends left and my sister, friend Andreina, Ace and I went to Target and had fun scouring the dollar section and dressing Ace up in funny girl accessories. Then we came home and Ash left and Andreina and I took Ace to the park which was so fun. Then we came home, all ate dinner then put Ace to bed and watched Catfish with Daniel. That show is amazing, I seriously can not get over these people's stories. Andreina and I ended up talking for hours which always ends up happening when we are together. It's crazy. When I was pregnant we once went to lunch and didn't end up leaving till almost dinner time and were both surprised when we got back to my house and were starving. We didn't even realize we had been talking for so long. I seriously am so blessed to have so many amazing friends. I just can not describe it. The way they are there when I need them and listen and don't feel the need to push me to talk about how I am feeling if I don't want to and just are there by being with me. If I do need to talk though they listen and are the best. I knew my friends were awesome before this but didn't realize how truly fortunate I was until now. As life goes on we don't always talk to our friends as often but if you can just pick up where you left off and enjoy that person, that is a great friend.
I also got a text from my friend Maggie inviting me to see a Christmas Pageant with her and her boyfriend's mother. She is such a great woman and I am so glad Maggie has a great future in-law (I mean lets face it her and Chad are meant to be). It actually made me tear up when she invited me. I had wanted to do something with my Mom this year for Christmas because she and I loved going to plays or shows and so it made me realize that wouldn't be happening but it was so sweet of them to include me. My other bestie Katie is coming down to help me with Ace for my Mom's services and then my other best friend Kat is going to try to come down if she is able to but she had already been here to help with Ace when my Mom was in hospice. All of this really just shows what beautiful people these women are.

My Mom's viewing and funeral is Sunday and Monday. I am dreading it. I do not want to see her that way. My Dad and sister think it might help bring closure and I am sure they are right. It has with my other family members but it still sucks. Ashley went over to my Dad's funeral home and was able to see my Mom and said she looks much better so that makes me feel better. I think, as weird as it might sound, we are so fortunate to have a funeral home family business because we have that security of knowing they are taking care of our Mom. They are just so fantastic at the care they show each person and family that comes through the door and I love that about them. The love and concern they have shown my Dad and my family has meant so much to me. I am sure my Dad isn't going to want to be there right now so I know it probably gives him some peace of mind knowing she is in good hands.

Ok this has turned into a long post that is probably depressing but this is where I am at right now. I have good moments and hard moments but thankfully I have my amazing little guy to keep me smiling and helping me know that life is incredible even in the hardest of times.