Perfectly Imperfect Mom

I am completely obsessed with anything to do with the baby. I am obsessed with looking at cloth diapers, neutral baby clothes, maternity clothes and teething toys. I need someone to take my debit card away!

I know I haven't even see the baby's heartbeat yet but I have been waiting for this for 2 years! I want to buy everything I had looked into before and dreamed about for my baby. There is this teething toy that I have heard rave reviews about called Sophie the Giraffe. I  can't get over how cute it is...so...I bought it! It was on sale! I also bought 2 maternity shirts $10 each from Gap, a really cute winter cover up that is white and looks like a bunny suit. So cute, I couldn't resist.

My name is Brenna and I am a baby shopping addict.

I also got some good news from a friend and I am praying everything goes well for her!

I got blood work done today as well so I am hoping the numbers look good.

I am having some pains on my left side that are somewhat sharp so please pray everything is ok!!

Ok so technically I get blood work today but it just turned midnight 19 minutes ago.

I am debating if I just want to pick up the referral and get the blood work tomorrow or do it Thursday and next Monday. I will have to ask how fast they will get the first results in. Now that I think about it I will go tomorrow.

I am nervous. I am praying that this baby is going to be okay. I swear the scars miscarriage leaves is incredible. No one can understand it unless you have experienced it. I try to say how I get a little worried to friends who either don't have children or who haven't gone through it and they just say it will be okay. Really? It will be okay? Had I said last time I was concerned and you said it would be okay, would that really have made sense looking back? No! I hate when you are sad or worried and you vent and people Roadblock you and basically talk you out of your feelings.

That is a huge lesson I have learned through my Psych degree and also through my miscarriage loss. I will never tell someone it's okay when I know they feel it's not or it may not be okay. It is scary and all these people want to do is get that feeling out of their head and vent and just want someone to listen.

That is my tip for the day...JUST LISTEN, Don't Roadblock!

Ok, so I know I am only just over a month pregnant but let's face it I have been waiting for this for 2 years so of course I am going to go a little crazy over baby things.

Today my Mom, sister and I had to do some errands for Christmas. We went to the dollar store to find snowflake decor for my Dad, then we went to Target where my Mom proceeded to the baby section to buy something neutral for the baby. From Grandma, of course. She saw this really cute monkey sleep outfit and I had to admit it is a little more boyish but so cute that I didn't even care. If we have a girl it's not like anyone is going to care what she wears to sleep.
Then we ran some more errands and then went to Baby's R Us! I was in Heaven. I showed my Mom the monitor I want because it's a motion sensor one and it is supposed to help prevent SIDS. The baby I watch has it and I love it. Then my Mom picked out some more baby items and to say they were cute is an understatement. She got two more sleep outfits, booties, a whale towel I wanted and I think that might be it I can't remember. I bought an expecting ornament since Branden and I buy a special ornament each year and a alligator that is a plush one. It is so soft. I love it! If we have a boy his bedding will be the Nantucket one from Target and it has alligators on it. Either way its a cute stuffed animal. I am going to try not to buy anything else for awhile haha, yeah right!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! We spent it with my parents and had the dogs wear their shirts and told my parents we were having a baby! They were very excited and we had a great day. I am tired though because I was up in the middle of the night feeling sick but finally felt better and fell asleep but then my alarm went off early uhg!

I also had a dream last night that we had a baby boy! He was so cute and precious and he was sitting on a table giggling and wearing just a diaper and waving his hands up and down. I mean cute doesn't even describe this baby. I used to want a girl so badly first but after the miscarriage and TTC for 14 months I don't even care if this baby is a boy or a girl just as long as he or she is healthy. I can not wait to find out though. I want to be able to call the baby by name. Yes, we already have names picked out! No, I am not sharing till we know.

I am going to do a 4 week post now since I am 4 weeks today!

Tonight my sister and I went to the craft store to get t-shirts so we could make them for the dogs to wear over to my parents house on Thanksgiving. We put a saying on each one. Tyson's, who was my first dog, says Not Another One since he has already gotten two doggy brothers. Tanner's says "And this one drools?" Since none of our dogs actually drool but babies do. And finally Simon, our newest dog, his says I'm going to be a Big Brother! Who knows. Then we also bought each of my parents a big. My Mom's says "Who needs Santa when I have Grandma." and my Dad's says "I love Grandpa." They didn't have a great selection for Grandpa items so his is less cute lol and more boyish with it being blue and has monkey's on it but when it comes to bibs I don't care.
I can't wait to tell them.
I also have my blood work next Monday and Thursday then my ultrasound on December 9th!! I can't wait for that ultrasound. I can finally put my mind at ease. I just wish I was going sooner but I want to go when they will see a heartbeat so it's pointless to go sooner. Let's just hope these next two weeks go by super fast!

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

Then Comes the Baby in the Baby Carriage! 11/20/10

Blurry but this is him opening it.

Yay!

worst picture ever since it is so blown up but I swear it's there!

{one} what time do you normally wake up?It depends on the day. Tuesday and Wednesday I get up at 7AM to babysit and the rest of the week it just depends on what I have planned for the day.
{two} do you have a go-to song for karaoke?I have never done karaoke. I am such a wimp despite being in Chorus.
{three} if you could only see black and white except for one color, what color would you choose to see?Blue since it is the color of my husband, sister and Dad's eyes. 
{four} what color best matches your personality?Green, it's my favorite so I associate it with feeling good and being happy. 
{five} if you could choose one meal to cook better than anyone else, what would it be?Spagetti and meat sauce since its my favorite thing to cook lol
{six} how many keys do you have on your key ring?I think 5
{seven} do you give your pets birthday/christmas gifts?Sure do! We even dress them up for Halloween. 
{eight} when your plate has different foods on it, do you mix or not?Depends on what it is. If it is veggies with mashed potatoes I will.
{nine} if you could hire someone to do one thing for you all the time, what would it be?Clean my house. Does that count of one thing? Otherwise laundry.
{ten} when flying, do you prefer the window or aisle seat?window

Because I am up late babysitting and just saw this on someone else's page I figured why not?

1. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? 
I have two. The first one was when I got my breast implants. I can not even explain how painful that was. I was bruised and couldn't even sit up on my own. It was worth it though.
The second time was when I had gastritis. I literally thought I was not going to be able to handle anymore pain then that. I was throwing up and hysterically crying because I was in so much pain. I had fluid on my stomach and everything. If I ever experienced that again I will have a panic attack. I didn't even eat for 4 days after that. 

2. How much sleep do you get at night? 
Usually 8 hours

3. How long did you believe in Santa Clause? How did you find out he does not exist? 
I think I stopped believing in 5th grade. 

4. What was the last movie you saw in a theatre? 
Easy A...So funny!

5. What do you wear to bed? 
Usually boy short panties and a tank top or t-shirt. 

Ok so I spoke to my doctor about my blood work and what we are going to about this whole baby making process.
He said my blood work looked good but I have signs of PCOS. He said that what we will do next month if I am not pregnant is he will do an ultrasound and then if I don't have any cysts he will give me Clomid! I feel like we are heading in the right direction.
I also had an appt. with the Ear Nose and Throat doctor and he gave me nasal sprays to help with my allergies that seem to make my tonsils act up.
It has been a long day.
After that my Mom and I went to Pier 1 and she got a call from my brother and he told her my nephew Christiaan got hit by a car! He is ok though, thank God. He is still in the hospital so I am waiting on details on if he is going to have to stay or what all is wrong.
Please say a little prayer for him that he heals fast.

{one} do you collect anything? if so, what and how long have you been collecting? My husband and I collect magnets and ornaments from new places we go. 
{two} what is one cleaning tip that you swear by? My mom always told me to use newspaper to wipe cleaner off the mirrors in the bathroom and windows. It doesn't leave streaks
{three} who would you call for bail money? My parents
{four} what is one thing you miss about being a kid? Going on vacations and not having to pay for them or plan them lol. I also really miss being so carefree.

{five} name a few of your guilty pleasures. Snickers and Caramel Mocha Fraps from Starbucks
{six} how early do you start your holiday shopping? About a month ahead of time but sometimes a bit earlier. 
{seven} what is a family tradition that you would like to pass on to your significant other/children? Seeing a movie on Thanksgiving before dinner. I always loved doing that with my parents since my Mom hated going to the movies because of all the noise and people kicking her seat. It was always so empty during the day.
{eight} what do you consider your greatest achievement? My marriage.
{nine} what do you do to pamper yourself? Taking a bath and giving myself a pedicure and doing my nails. It always makes me feel pretty. 
{ten} if you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called? Hmm no clue.

I was right! I took a digital OPK and got a happy face!! Now the next hurdle will be the 2 week wait!

I seriously can not handle seeing another person announce their pregnancy. I want to cry. I am so frustrated and upset. Why can't it happen for us? I feel like we are being punished.
I have been told my whole life I am so motherly, I will make the perfect Mom. I love children and babies. I am a nanny and I want to be a teacher.
I also get so annoyed because I have had a miscarriage and waited till Bran and I were married to start trying again (first one was an oops). I now think, why did we bother waiting? Would I have had a better chance before? Who knows but it still upsets me. The whole thing.
I have a friend who's younger daughter is the exact age of the baby I would have had if I hadn't miscarried and I just saw a picture of her from Halloween and sometimes it makes me so sad to think that by now I would have had a baby that is almost a year and a half. I can't believe that much time has gone by.
We are going to see them on the 18th and it's bitter sweet seeing her daughter. She is so precious but it makes me realize what I am missing.
Please pray that we get our dream of having a baby. Doctors appt. is on Thurs. If anyone has any suggestions on what I should ask for in order to move things along please email me or comment. Thanks!

It's Monday again. The weekend went by to fast. I ended up being sick with tonsilitis most of it too.

Friday Branden and I went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory, so good!

Saturday was my cousin's baby shower, which was fun but also really hard. Everyone asked me when we would be having a baby. If they only knew how hard we are trying! My cousin's baby's name is going to be Colton. I love that name! My sister and I spent Friday night making a diaper cake. It turned out pretty good and my cousin loved it. I was really proud of us. We also went to Target before that and I realized we probably shouldn't be allowed in stores together because we turn into little kids. We hit all the buttons on toys that make noise, dress up in weird things. It was a lot of fun though.
Then on Sunday I went to the Minute Clinic again and I have tonsilitis. So now I am going to the ENT doctor on Thursday after my OBGYN appt.

On a way to awesome note...WE PAID OFF BRAN"S CAR!

Ash and me with Colton's presents

We kick butt at baby shower games

Cousins!

My Mom's side of the family

Ginger Bread Martini

Today my sister, Mom and I went to Baby's R' Us to shop for my cousin's baby shower. The same cousin who started TTC after me and got pregnant on like her 3rd try. But that is beside the point. Anyway we go there and of course my baby fever is insane there. I am looking at all the baby things I want to register for since I know most things I want from working with children for so long. I immediately tell my Mom how I will be getting the Angel Heart monitor since its amazing and blah blah blah. We decide to go with a bath theme and buy all this really cute stuff. My sister and I are also going to attempt to make a diaper cake too. I am super excited and on the way out I see all these baby clothes and I desperately want to buy something for my future baby despite it not even being conceived yet.  Instead I buy a super cute outfit similar to the one the baby I watch had when he was a few months old. It was my favorite so I figured my  cousin will love it too.
Then we drop my Mom off at home and my sister and I need to get a few more things for the diaper cake and diapers. We go through the baby section and I tell my sister I have to buy a baby outfit for my future baby. It was like this insane feeling and I had to do it. So of course my sister says ok but only something really girlie and cute. Makes sense to me since I bought my cousin a boy outfit which helped get that out of my system so I see THE cutest outfit ever! It is this black sweater with white dots on it with little tiny boys on the sleeves and a tutu type skirt. I almost died when I saw it. I immediately grabbed it and put it in the cart. I was in love. I have to have a daughter one day. I can not even explain how much I love girlie clothes. Anyway I am basically slightly insane now. Here is the outfit for a baby that does not even exist yet.

{one} do you still use a checkbook?No, but my husband does.
{two} what size shoe do you wear?Depends on the shoe but anywhere between a 7 and an 8
{three} scary movies or happy endings?I used to love Scary movies but I am getting more into happy endings.
{four} do you prefer spontaneity or stability?In everyday life I like stability but spontaneity is always good once in awhile.
{five} what is the most embarrassing cd that you own?Hanson Christmas CD
{six} do you watch reality tv?Oh yeah! 
{seven} what is your favorite home-made meal?I am pretty much obsessed with my Mother-in-law's cheesecake and my Mom's chili 
{eight} do you have any allergies?Not really, cats sometimes.
{nine} if you could open your own restaurant/store, what would it be?Hmm no clue 
{ten} would you ever go skydiving (or have you been)?No, too scary for me! 
xo.

This next month is going to be super busy.

I have a research paper, two take home finals, a power point and a final all due by the end of November or early December. This weekend is my cousin's baby shower plus Bran is planning a nice date night for us on Friday and I am planning a surprise camp out on Saturday since he is off on Sunday. I hope I can pull it off!
November 18th and 19th we are going up to Daytona to see our friends, Kat and Jaime. I am super stoked about that. Kat has been one of my best friends for 7 years now. We met when we worked at Olive Garden and that's where she met her husband Jaime also. We instantly clicked because we were both nannies as well.
She has two daughters Ashleen and Brielle. Kat got pregnant with Brielle two weeks after I became pregnant and I was so excited we would be having babies together. I literally was screaming and jumping up and down when I found out. It makes me sad to think we will never have that moment back. I wish we had little babies the same age, being best friends like us. I can not even explain the excitement I had about that whole thing. I remember us both saying they have to be girls or one has to be a boy and the other a girl so they can get married one day lol. If they were girls my daughters name would be Kathryn and hers Brielle so it would be similar to us as well. Not even planned but it was perfect till a week later when I was going in for my ultrasound and she was on the phone with me and we were talking about baby names and I went in and found out the baby's heart was basically non-existant. I called Kat and was devastated. She said try to have hope the baby's heart will be faster next time but I knew my baby was gone. It was so hard knowing she was pregnant and would have a baby that would be the age as mine but mine never made it.
I actually saw her the day after my D&C (she lives 3.5 hours away from me now) and I was sad for myself but so happy for her. She and her husband are amazing parents to their older daughter. I just wish that moment could happen again and we would actually have babies together but they are now done having children so I will never have that moment back. I feel like she would have been the perfect person to get pregnant with too because that was what our bond always was, children. We both loved kids. We both were nannies and loved everything baby, especially baby girl stuff.
Anyway I completely went off topic. Bran and I are contemplating moving up to Daytona and so we will go look around and see how it is. I would love to be closer to Kat and Jaime and get out of South Florida but I would miss my family so we will see. Its not terribly far and I have lived that far away from them before but if we do have a baby that would be hard to take that away from them.

I hope everyone had an awesome weekend because we did!

First meeting his new brothers

On Saturday we got our new dog Simon. He is awesome. So well behaved and gets along great with our dogs, especially Tanner. They are best friends.

Simon and Tanner best friends

The on Saturday night we went to dinner with my cousin Mike, his wife Teresa and their son Brian. It was great seeing them. We don't hang out with them enough. We were invited to see Brian's band play on Halloween so I was really excited to go to that. He has an awesome band. Parts of it are a little intense because they do that scary screaming at some points but when they sing its awesome. They are a Christian band too.

Tyson and Me

On Halloween we got ready and dressed the dogs up. Tanner was a convict, Simon was a skeleton and Tyson was a spider. I was Carrie Bradshaw and Bran was a Mob/Gangster guy.

Our little family

Then we went to my cousin's church and had a great time.