Today would have been mine and my ex-husband’s 11 year anniversary. And I can’t help but feel sad. Not because I want to be with him or because I am still struggling with accepting that loss. But because it is something I fought so hard for, something I worked so hard at and it still failed. I brought 3 children into a family that failed. I know with all my heart I gave every single ounce of myself to that marriage, to trying to put the pieces back together, to trying to understand what went wrong or what I did wrong. I know parts of it will never make sense to me. I know there is a part of that loss that will always effect me. And overall I am grateful for the loss. I am grateful that it pushed me into changing behaviors that would have probably put me into another doomed relationship (people pleasing, not speaking up for myself, not truly knowing what I deserved). It also made me more independent than I ever knew I could be. I know that no matter what happens in this life I can survive it. I can do what I have to in order to cope and deal. It isn’t easy being a single Mom. In fact, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The guilt that goes with only being with your children part time is probably the most unnatural and difficult things I have ever had to accept in my life. Which is why I understand why so many people wait to divorce till their children are grown and moved out. It is not easy being away from them.
So, even though I know I am ok. I am fortunate to have an amazing support system and have worked my ass off this past year and 4 months to be in this place where I feel whole, happy and confident in my life. Something that was really hard to start and stick with but I did it and it took the ending of my marriage to get here. It took reaching a terrifying rock bottom mentally and emotionally. It took writing letters I never thought I would ever write and having my sister beg me to make a different decision. It took my cousins telling me how much I mean to them. It took every ounce of strength to pull myself out of a dark place but it was so worth it. It is worth it to see my precious children grow from this. It is worth it to have a better relationship with my ex-husband even if we still struggle at times. It is worth it to set boundaries and take care of myself. It is all so worth it.
Today, I am sad and feel a little bit like a failure in one part of my life. I am sad because I didn’t get the family I dreamed of and I only get my kids part- time. I am sad because I do still struggle at being overwhelmed at doing this alone. I am sad because I wish I didn’t have to do it alone. I am sad because no matter what I will probably always have a part of me that will never trust everything will be completely ok. I am sad that because of that I still have the urge to push good things away but thankfully have learned to not sabotage it even though it’s what feels safe.
For any women out there going through a divorce I see you and I feel your pain. I wish I could magically take it away. I know the work I had to do to get where I am at now and it was not easy but I have seen the other side where there are women who are still hurt and struggling and damaging their lives because of their pain. I promise the work is worth it and you can come out the other side happier and more whole than you can ever imagine.
